HELP! GRANDMA'S RACIST.

MARIAH KREUTTER

We’ve all been there. We love Grandma, she bakes delicious cookies, but she’s also a white supremacist homophobe who voted for a fascist! Classic Grandma. Here’s what to do when things get a bit too #problematic around the dinner table:

    1. Go on a hunger strike. There’s nothing grandmas hate more than their grandchildren not eating. Actively, persistently refuse to let a bite of food pass your lips for all of Thanksgiving dinner. When someone asks, say, “I’m protesting the violent racism of white people in general and the older generation in particular, and will not eat until everyone who voted for Trump pays reparations to black and native communities and donates to an immigrant-rights focused non-profit,” without breaking eye contact with Grandma.
    2. Challenge Grandma to a fight to the death. What, she’s gonna die in like 2 years anyway. Why did she even vote? For her future? As if. You’re young and strong; you can take her. Enlist your militantly leftist unmarried aunt (we’ve all got one) as a second and duel at dawn.
    3. Keep saying “I don’t get it, could you explain?” These words are magic. She’ll probably start off with something subtly* racist like “I just think we need to keep America American,” so just keep playing dumb. Let her flounder trying to explain herself without outright saying “I hate [insert politically incorrect term for ethnic minority of choice].”
    4. Tell Grandma that she’s been disowned in favor of Bernie Sanders/Noam Chomsky/bell hooks etc. Note that this involves gleefully outlining each detail of your hypothetical future wedding (bonus points if it’s gay) and musing about how she won’t be invited.
    5. Drink to forget. I’m not sure how much seasonally appropriate 6% alchohol hard apple cider one has to consume to actually black out, but I guess we’ll find out soon enough.

* Like, subtle for Grandma.

Yale Rumpus